A Comedy bake

I love the Great British Bake off,

It’s like comedy and baking have had a cake off,

The puns are delicious,

The goods are rarely nutritious,

And while Hollywood isn’t as glittery as he sounds,

His dramatic pauses in between nouns –

Are spectacularly glamorous,

And while I’m not polyamorous,

I am in a relationship with both comedy and baking,

But rather than comedy it’s baking that has me quaking,

I can’t even manage a good stew,

And I did a comedy gig for some bakers who –

Really can be absolute devils,

Because instead of shouting out they just threw Eccles.

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My new poetry book at Waterstones

My comedy poetry book has now been published!

POENTRY: silly po-faced entries by Samantha Baines

Award-winning comedian and actress Samantha Baines likes poetry and thinks it shouldn’t just be for po-faced people. Enjoy this silly collection of poems about life, amazing women and the very strangest news stories from the last few years (with any face you so wish). Revel in the comedy lines, the rhymes and the ‘really did that rhyme’ times from one of comedy’s brightest stars.

Buy it here:

https://www.waterstones.com/book/poentry/samantha-baines/9781911589198

Or on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Poentry-Samantha-Baines/dp/1911589199

Do leave it an online review if you like it! ❤️😀❤️😀

Puns

I thought it would be rather fun,To write a poem about the humble pun,A pun is essentially a bit of wordplay,And I just want to say,That wordplay is my favourite play of all,Second only to foreplay and by a small -Margin followed by radio plays,And then plays written in the female gaze.Often called “Dad jokes” puns have been cast aside,But doesn’t Mum and Aunty want to come along for the ride?I say a pun is for everyone,And is not the sum -Of it’s comedy teller, It’s funny no matter the seller.You can pun no matter your gender or size,No matter your religion or the colour of your eyes,I’m not pregnant I’ve got a pun in the oven,And as most things are cheaper by the dozen,If I had twins I’d want one of each a pun and daughter,Ohhh I’m on a punning whirl like a lamb to the slaughter,If I was in a film with Tom Cruise it would be Top Pun,Because girls just want to have a pun,I’m running through so many puns but we are on the right track,The pun train is always ahead of the pack,Gosh this punning has been rather fun,But now stick a fork in me I’m pun.

Breast stroke

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Pause – like on iplayer not on a cat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Soft strokes – it’s not like wiping your feet on a doormat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Don’t you hope I’m talking about swimming.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

And FYI men have breasts as well as women.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Chickens have breasts too and legs which some people prefer to eat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

“Are you a tits or a legs man?” could actually refer to meat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Don’t worry it is definitely a water based stroking.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Well, if it was self love I’d be a bit too busy to write a poem gloating.

Best Dressed from the Great North Run 2017

I’m bringing you the very best dressed and fancy dress from today’s Great North Run in Newcastle!

1. Ann and Nicola are pretty committed!

2. Really motivational outfits from Tim and Michael

3. Green with envy at this outfit. Good luck Dr Joe

4. What a Tyrannosaurus achievement!

5. There a prehistoric theme with Sam running for Alzheimer’s Research UK

6. Good luck Anthony running for Wellchild

7. Whoppeee it’s Great North Run day with Damien

8. SUPER stuff from Larry

9. Magical ladies!

Hangover

Wrote this one at the Edinburgh Fringe!

Why is a hangover called a hang over?

Its not like hanging your chin over a tub of clover,

I mean, what is the bit that is meant to be hanging?

When I am hungover I hate any banging,

So perhaps what is hanging is your head?

Hanging over a bucket at the side of your bed?

Or is it the shame hanging over you from the night before,

Remembering that you did karaoke and had an argument with the floor.

Maybe it’s more like a sleepover that never ends,

You have a night in with a load of friends,

And there’s always that one who stays for too long the next day,

No matter your hints they won’t go away.

So perhaps a hangover is that lingering friend,

When you’d rather be alone and try and mend –

The damage done to your brain cells the previous night,

And the obligatory post on Facebook so others understand your plight.

My favourite bit of the word is that bit at the end,

Over is so final, a way to finish with a boyfriend,

A lover would understand that over means no more,

So why isn’t your hang showing itself out of the door?

What I’m saying is, it feels like this pain will never cease,

I’m hungover, yes I’m hanging and I just need some peace!