UK General Election 

Care instructions: colour wash on 60
Now all the campaigning is done,

And our parliament is hung,

Like washing hung on a line,

It will be ready with time,

But it needed a spin cos it was dirty,

And everyone was getting a bit shirty,

It’s all that naughty running through fields,

So guess what our new parliament yields?

Not the white-wash many were expecting,

And now it needs a little correcting,

We left a red sock in and it’s all gone pink,

New labour colour Jeremy? – nudge nudge wink.

Douglas Adams Name check

Are you sure Douglas Adams is the best?

We should probably check on the rest,

As for another Douglas I can’t think of many,

If for every Douglas you gave me a penny,

There is Douglas Booth who is young and pretty,

And if I’m being rather witty,

There is Douglas the capital of the Isle of Man,

And you like the 50’s you may be a fan,

Of Kirk Douglas of acting with Doris Day,

And of course from I am Spartacus with Lawrence Olivier,

So far I am up to three pennies and I’m pretty much done,

Searching names on the internet is fun,

The origin of the name Douglas of course comes from the Scots,

They gave us Douglas and haggis – so lots,

Douglas comes from the Gaelic and means ‘dark water’ which is a bit mysterious, 

It sounds all Harry Potter when Dumbledore drank that bad stuff and was delirious, 

Of course the modern translation of ‘dark water’ is Coca Cola,

Coke: which they have from space to Española,

(And not even Diet Coke in space because you are weightless).

As for Adams it’s a bit more common,

It’s really quite British and a log way from foreign,

It’s English in origin and comes from Genesis, 

The first man who succumbed to a serpent’s kiss,

Well they consumed an apple but who isn’t guilty of that,

Their products are so snazzy not like that android tat, 

So if course there is Adam of Adam and Eve fame,

There’s Amy Adams who is on the acting game, 

Adam Rickitt my school girl crush,

He sung semi-naked in a glass box and it was lush,

There’s the Adams Family including Wednesday Adams,

Who I wanted to be like as I love gothic madams,

Apprently there is a footballer called Adam too,

And an ice-hockey player – who knew,

Don’t forget Adam Levine who rocks the guitar,

And Adam Sandler who makes us go “ha”,

Adam comes from the Hebrew and means earth,

So Douglas Adams means dark water earth,

They gave him this interstellar warning at birth,

Is it a message “beware the dark water, Earthlings”?

Maybe it’s a friendly warning from our mates the dolphins,

How apt they named an asteroid after DA when he died,

Wherever that asteroid ends up if it doesn’t get space fried,

One day we may want it back here on Earth,

Not on land although we could do without Perth,

When we borrow it back from our spacey lender,

The address: dark water, earth please return to sender.

Towel Day (❤️ Douglas Adams)

Today,

That’s 25th May,

Is officially known as Towel Day,

No put those sanitary items away,

So pay attention strags and hitchikers alike,

Because strags are just people who dream of hitching a hike,

You know the things you use to mop up sweat,

Or what you’d carry a dead cat in to the vet,

Somethingwith which you can lie on the beaches of Santraginus V,

And imagine all the stars you’d see,

Sleeping under your towel on Kakrafoon,

So a towel is massively useful – more so than a spoon,

Although you may become a spoon when using the improbability drive,

Don’t we all wish that blue whale was still alive,

But spoons and whales cannot compare,

To that thing you use to dry your hair,

As Adams worshippers go if you are devout,

You will ensure you are never without,

But sometimes needs must and you need to keep it small,

And surely any towel is better than no towel at all?

Guest poem: Mnemonic for the Wives of Immortal-Henry VIII

By John-Luke Roberts 

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Died, Died, Died,

Divorced, Two-headed, Drowned,

Defenestrated, Combusted, Dissolved,

Divorced, Ignored, Lost,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died, 

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died, 

Divorced, Divorced, Sad,

Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor,

Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced,

Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor,

Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, 

Divorced, Divorced, Separated,

Separated, Divorced, A Man (!),

Industrial Accident, Motoring Accident, Flu,

Food Poisoning, Twisted Ankle, Mauled to Death by Reanimated Dinosaur,

Swallowed by Quicksand, Ebola, Shot,

Chopped into Little Tiny Pieces, Eaten by Her Cat, Run Over by a Lorry,

Abandoned on the Moon, Gifted to Alien Race, Ripped Apart by Black Hole,

Divorced, Divorced, Divorced,

Divorced, A Robot, Divorced,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Dyed (to Death), Died,

Died, Died, Died, 

Clone Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, Clone Elizabeth Taylor,

Divorced, Clone Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced,

Died, Died, Died,

Clone Henry VIII.
Check John-Luke Roberts out on tumblr here!

Fruity Art

Is a piece of fruit a work of art?

I’m sure heavenly believers have knowledge to impart,

But I’m talking art in a gallery,

Framed and catalogued for all to see,

Two Scottish students put this to the test,

You know for fun, a bit of a jest,

King of the fruits: pineapples are clearly the best, 

They even have a crown, a sort of leaf nest,

They are a bit scaley like everyone’s favourite mermaid,

And they are the only fruit which gets laid –

On pizza to give you a Hawaiian feel,

Which as a concept is quite surreal,

The students popped their own pineapple on a plinth that was spare,

The fun students have in an art gallery eh – what a pair,

To their amusement a few days later on the their return the pineapple remained,

This time surrounded by a glass box, beayutifully framed,

Staff had mistaken it for a bonified piece of art,

It is quite funny – bet they felt smart,

And I’m sure their parents very are proud,

A contribution to art to shout aloud,

If you think about it the day they did seize,

Although I’m not sure if that merits £9,000 in university fees. 

When your dad writes a porno

Imagine if your dad wrote blinking erotica,

Well it’s better than discovering a family swastika,

So many questions we’d love to ask,

Like is a cervix within your grasp?

Belinda Blinked is the sexy title,

Which keeps Jamie Morton’s dad from being idle,

Jamie deconstructs each chapter with the help of his mates,

James and Alice ease him through Belinda’s front gates,

With similes comparing breasts to pomegranates,

We do wonder about Jamie’s dads food vs literary palates,

In the last series blue jizz was a feature,

Like smurf sex or juice from an avatar-like creature,

Set to the back drop of Steele’s pots and pans,

Which makes you wonder about chef Jamie Oliver’s expansion pans,

Correcting school dinners was very worthwhile,

So Jamie Oliver, how about Belinda themed treats to add to the culinary shagpile,

In Belinda’s world there is one thing that’s a must,

That is donating to the Asses and Donkey’s Trust,

And when it comes to selling pots and pans there is nothing wrong,

With wandering around a maze in a stained black thong,

Belinda has friends too Bella and Gizelle,

And The Duchess on whose face she fell,

It’s not for the faint hearted here’s a word to the wise,

There is dribbling and gushing and many a literary surprise,

But Rocky Flinstone (Jamie Morton’s Dad) has penned a real gem,

And it’s not a book we would completely condem,

It’s given us the podcast and conjured so many new visions,

Like Jim Sturgess and a room with leathery conditions,

But has Rocky’s son whilst masturbating ever thought, 

Of dipping into his Dad’s book – no too scared to get caught,

A smash hit podcast and a sell out tour,

All down to Belinda rolling around naked on the floor,

She bonks and she blinks and that’s about it,

And we’ve all been wondering – since when does a pomegranate look like a tit?!

My Dad Wrote A Porno is a podcast created by Jamie Morton. Listen via iTunes or acast here.

Dress Mania

Dear the world and people who read,

I am a woman in desperate need,

I have a dress that I absolutely love,

But the price tag is way above,

What you should spend on a bit of material,

Even though this dress is practically etherial,

It’s giving me pangs and fashion woe,

Maybe I can buy it and wear it in my show,

Then I could claim it back against tax,

Like my haircuts, tampons (otherwise I’d bleed on stage) and all those immacs,

If only my social calendar was full to the brim,

Then I could just buy it on a whim,

I could just get it as a treat to myself,

And but it in a box and keep it on a shelf,

And protect all those layers and stitching,

Yes that or I’ll just dance around in it my kitchen,

Do you know an event that I could come along to?

Then I’ll have an excuse and will forever love you,

Maybe I will just do it I’ll click buy,

Oh gosh what a feeling – it’s like I am fashion high,

I’ll just check if there are any discount vouchers online,

Oh no I’ve seen another dress! Oh this is the one! Really I’m serious this time …