Dress Mania

Dear the world and people who read,

I am a woman in desperate need,

I have a dress that I absolutely love,

But the price tag is way above,

What you should spend on a bit of material,

Even though this dress is practically etherial,

It’s giving me pangs and fashion woe,

Maybe I can buy it and wear it in my show,

Then I could claim it back against tax,

Like my haircuts, tampons (otherwise I’d bleed on stage) and all those immacs,

If only my social calendar was full to the brim,

Then I could just buy it on a whim,

I could just get it as a treat to myself,

And but it in a box and keep it on a shelf,

And protect all those layers and stitching,

Yes that or I’ll just dance around in it my kitchen,

Do you know an event that I could come along to?

Then I’ll have an excuse and will forever love you,

Maybe I will just do it I’ll click buy,

Oh gosh what a feeling – it’s like I am fashion high,

I’ll just check if there are any discount vouchers online,

Oh no I’ve seen another dress! Oh this is the one! Really I’m serious this time …

Nude fun

Podcasting is the BAINES of my life,

But my name (Baines) means fun not full strife,

Record in the loo whilst you are in the nude,

In between takes you can gobble some food,

If there is one night that you just can’t get off to sleep,

Make a new podcast about Green Wing actor Mark Heap,

With a podcast you really can do anything you might,

Except perhaps setting your guest alight,

Except if your guests are Lou Lou and Take That,

You wouldn’t want to get into a spat,

But they do repeatedly sing “relight my fire”,

Refusing their request may cause them great ire,

It seems with all that singing they’d really like us to grant this wish,

Although maybe they mean it metaphoricalish,

Yes I made up that word but as I’ve already said, 

When you have a podcast you can do whatever pops into your head,

And now that my foods ready and I’m in the loo,

Just for weird accostics not for a poo,

The time for Baines podcasting has began,

And you can even listen on iTunes – just search ‘Baines Plus One’.

Westminster attack

I wasn’t there but I was near,

At Oxford Circus we didn’t hear,

Everything seemed ‘normal’ until I got a text,

Is everyone okay? What happens next?

The news seemed to be reporting something far off and strange,

But at that moment I felt the change,

The coverage was pounded out dominating our screens,

Images of those shocking and horrifying scenes,

London had a hush like never before,

Not since our transport was hit and before that the war,

Travelling into Westminster the streets were empty,

Moving against a stream of about twenty,

Who were all leaving the area heavily heading home,

This was not a place to wander, not the time for a roam,

Helicopters were buzzing and filling the skies,

Sirens blaring and weary Policeman’s eyes, 

I grabbed a tea in a Pret and felt a little tense,

Soon comforted by the Police presence,

The officers popped in for a coffee such a commonplace thing,

But today it seemed importantly ordinary – something with which to cling, 

The country and the world send love to everyone affected,

Such an awful day for anyone connected, 

We have opened our hearts and many have prayed,

To those who would terrorise us we say #wearenotafraid 

I know my poems are usually light-hearted and funny but it felt important to mention the events in London today. Hope you don’t mind a bit of serious poetry. xxx

Fat rollsĀ 

I’m not talking bacon butties I mean the bits around your middle,

That make us uncomfortable in certain tops so we fiddle,

Pulling our T-shirts this way and that,

So it’s more flattering and we don’t feel fat,

But who really cares – why do we do it?

Most of us wish we were healthier and fit,

Everyone hides bits they’d rather weren’t there,

Would it be the worst if people were to stare,

Maybe they love our knees, or our shoulders or our middle,

It’s not like you can buy a new one at Lidyl,

Maybe what we’ve got is cool and different and us,

Unless you have a blister that’s infected and bursting with pus,

That sh*t needs to be seen to and it don’t let it define you,

And it’s probably what’s giving you that infected green hue,

Anyway – maybe I should love my face and all of my chins,

Maybe I shouldn’t be worried about my weird shins, 

And my actually fat rolls are insulating and handy,

When I’m hiding pens or tampons or candy.

Short mess

I just got my hair cut short,

I can no longer hide behind my hairy fort,

My face is now free for all to see,

Which means I need to cover up my spots,

But short hair on others gives me the hots,

Alas, now I’ve nothing to swing,

To headbang and ting,

Not that I do that anyway much,

There’s also less to touch,

“Why did you do it then?” you cry,

And I will tell you why,

I was mainly avoiding doing work,

So I decided to lurk,

In town,

And to flip my frown,

I thought I’d get a treat,

I’d already had something to eat,

My the hairdressers was next door,

And all that stranger’s hair on the floor,

Coaxed me in,

The price I paid was a sin,

But it’s always nice to have a posh preen,

And my face really needed a spring clean.

Too windy

Gosh it’s been a windy week,

Storm Doris is battering London as we speak,

I also had a photo shoot yesterday,

And so my hair didn’t get in the way,

We had a wind machine – which is my new favourite thing,

It makes me want to twirl and sing,

It’s quite 1950’s musical I’m sure you’ll agree,

The effect will be great on my poster you see,

I’m going for the pilot look – mid flight,

Because a female pilot in 1920 was a sight,

That’s what my show is about this year,

But with Storm Doris so near,

I wondered if my photographer had left the wind machine on,

And the whole of London is now wrapped up in its song,

I could hardly walk down the street with its force,

This wind is stronger than a Grand National horse,

It gets bits in your eyes and chills you to the bone,

So not quite the 1950’s musical zone,

In other news I’ve eaten a lot of cheese,

I’m intolerant but it’s not like it makes me sneeze,

Let’s just say Storm Doris isn’t the only one creating a breeze!