National Relaxation Day


A poem for cats

Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Piss on the duvet.




Sit on open laptop.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Poo in the flowerbed.


Wrote this one at the Edinburgh Fringe!

Why is a hangover called a hang over?

Its not like hanging your chin over a tub of clover,

I mean, what is the bit that is meant to be hanging?

When I am hungover I hate any banging,

So perhaps what is hanging is your head?

Hanging over a bucket at the side of your bed?

Or is it the shame hanging over you from the night before,

Remembering that you did karaoke and had an argument with the floor.

Maybe it’s more like a sleepover that never ends,

You have a night in with a load of friends,

And there’s always that one who stays for too long the next day,

No matter your hints they won’t go away.

So perhaps a hangover is that lingering friend,

When you’d rather be alone and try and mend –

The damage done to your brain cells the previous night,

And the obligatory post on Facebook so others understand your plight.

My favourite bit of the word is that bit at the end,

Over is so final, a way to finish with a boyfriend,

A lover would understand that over means no more,

So why isn’t your hang showing itself out of the door?

What I’m saying is, it feels like this pain will never cease,

I’m hungover, yes I’m hanging and I just need some peace!

Tea-total : Yorkshire Tea wins twitter 

A man was being an arse on twitter to Yorkshire Tea,
They told him it was grown underground in Dewsbury,

He seem to be troubled about the origin of the leaves,

Imagining Yorkshire Tea to be thieves,

Of the good name of Yorkshire and the north,

So YT eloquently told him to piss orf,

And reminded this angry young chap,

That whilst in England we drink tea on tap,

We don’t grow it here because of the weather,

Tea leaves don’t pop up in patches of heather,

And whilst it’s grown elsewhere,

Saying it’s of Yorkshire is still fair,

As that’s where they honed the blend,

And make the packaging so they would not bend,

On the fact it’s propa Northern stock,

He was stuck between a hard place and a rock,

So they offered to send him a cuppa,

And his trolling they did scupper,

He even said sorry at the end,

That’s good social media my friend,

I bet he normally shoves silly milky tea in his mouth,

And he’s probably from the South!

Public Peeing in Hackney 

We’ve all had a wee in Hackney right?!

But if you pee publicly you’ll get a fright,

Something scarier than Halloween,

Worse than those creepy clowns we’ve seen,

You’ll be fined eighty whole pounds,

That’s two tubs of marmite or three pub rounds, 

Yes peeing in the street comes at a cost,

All we want to see of a morning is frost,

Not urine stained pavements and alleys and doors,

No drunk ladies squatting on floors,

Apparently we women are the worst you see,

But to be honest it doesnt surprise me,

Men have temporary urinals in the street,

We have nowhere to plant our seat,

You know the pain of a full bladder,

It’s a risky business – like walking under a ladder,

The mark of a great night out and a long journey home,

There just aren’t many available toilets on a late night roam,

In Hackney they trialled splash back paint,

But it’s only the men that it will taint,

We pee on floors not up against walls,

Just pop in a few portable slash stalls,

Hackney Council have spend one hundred thousand cleaning up pee,

Imagine all the cold genitals they see,

Dealing out fines like they are going out of fashion,

Punishing those who shake the lettuce in public is a real passion,

What is the answer? How can we bring this streeside tinkling to an end?

Well just pee in a cup and then give it to a friend. 

Mattress cheat

Ever wondered if your partner is a cheat,

Well there’s some furniture I’d like you to meet,

There’s a mattress than help you tell,

Yes it’s quite a sell,

The brand have really thought about their USP,

That’s their unique selling point you see,

It sends you a notification to your app,

Helping you lay a honey trap,

But I’m not sure if I want my bed,

To always be one step ahead,

Giving our furniture new skills,

Will only add to our bills,

Their slogan: “If your partner isn’t faithful at least your mattress is”,

How do you know? I’m getting in quite a tiz,

I’ve got a mattress to tell me about my fella’s commitment,

How do I know my mattress is resistant,

To the charms of other bed mates,

You see my housemate is on lates,

My mattress might be cheating on me with him,

What a violation and a sin,

If I want to check on a daytime bed creeper,

I’ll install hidden cameras it’s much cheaper.

Read the full news story here:

Spam-man needs your help

There’s a spam-man waiting in the sky, 

He’d like to come and meet us (oh David Bowie -sigh),

A new low or should I say high has hit the email spam world, 

Yes this new space scam has been unfurled,

You see there is a clearly totally ‘legit’ spaceman,

Who has tried as hard as he can,

To get back to Earth – as he’s been left behind in space,

Yes it’s an odd case, 

You’d think space agencies would be good at that sort of thing,

Remembering what crew to bring,

He’s been living off delivered supplies,

Why did his space agency not answer to his replies? 

Erm obviously because he is be of those Russian space spies,

And all the African Major/ spy astronaut needs,

Is for your to take the lead,

And send him your hard earned cash,

Then he’ll be back to Earth in a flash,

And as your reward,

You’ll get ten percent of his space hoard, 

Don’t be taken for this spamtacular ride,

Go and tweet British astronaut Tim Peake if you are starry eyed.