Wrote this one at the Edinburgh Fringe!

Why is a hangover called a hang over?

Its not like hanging your chin over a tub of clover,

I mean, what is the bit that is meant to be hanging?

When I am hungover I hate any banging,

So perhaps what is hanging is your head?

Hanging over a bucket at the side of your bed?

Or is it the shame hanging over you from the night before,

Remembering that you did karaoke and had an argument with the floor.

Maybe it’s more like a sleepover that never ends,

You have a night in with a load of friends,

And there’s always that one who stays for too long the next day,

No matter your hints they won’t go away.

So perhaps a hangover is that lingering friend,

When you’d rather be alone and try and mend –

The damage done to your brain cells the previous night,

And the obligatory post on Facebook so others understand your plight.

My favourite bit of the word is that bit at the end,

Over is so final, a way to finish with a boyfriend,

A lover would understand that over means no more,

So why isn’t your hang showing itself out of the door?

What I’m saying is, it feels like this pain will never cease,

I’m hungover, yes I’m hanging and I just need some peace!


Douglas Adams Name check

Are you sure Douglas Adams is the best?

We should probably check on the rest,

As for another Douglas I can’t think of many,

If for every Douglas you gave me a penny,

There is Douglas Booth who is young and pretty,

And if I’m being rather witty,

There is Douglas the capital of the Isle of Man,

And you like the 50’s you may be a fan,

Of Kirk Douglas of acting with Doris Day,

And of course from I am Spartacus with Lawrence Olivier,

So far I am up to three pennies and I’m pretty much done,

Searching names on the internet is fun,

The origin of the name Douglas of course comes from the Scots,

They gave us Douglas and haggis – so lots,

Douglas comes from the Gaelic and means ‘dark water’ which is a bit mysterious, 

It sounds all Harry Potter when Dumbledore drank that bad stuff and was delirious, 

Of course the modern translation of ‘dark water’ is Coca Cola,

Coke: which they have from space to Española,

(And not even Diet Coke in space because you are weightless).

As for Adams it’s a bit more common,

It’s really quite British and a log way from foreign,

It’s English in origin and comes from Genesis, 

The first man who succumbed to a serpent’s kiss,

Well they consumed an apple but who isn’t guilty of that,

Their products are so snazzy not like that android tat, 

So if course there is Adam of Adam and Eve fame,

There’s Amy Adams who is on the acting game, 

Adam Rickitt my school girl crush,

He sung semi-naked in a glass box and it was lush,

There’s the Adams Family including Wednesday Adams,

Who I wanted to be like as I love gothic madams,

Apprently there is a footballer called Adam too,

And an ice-hockey player – who knew,

Don’t forget Adam Levine who rocks the guitar,

And Adam Sandler who makes us go “ha”,

Adam comes from the Hebrew and means earth,

So Douglas Adams means dark water earth,

They gave him this interstellar warning at birth,

Is it a message “beware the dark water, Earthlings”?

Maybe it’s a friendly warning from our mates the dolphins,

How apt they named an asteroid after DA when he died,

Wherever that asteroid ends up if it doesn’t get space fried,

One day we may want it back here on Earth,

Not on land although we could do without Perth,

When we borrow it back from our spacey lender,

The address: dark water, earth please return to sender.

Fluid title

Do you know how to write hitchhiker?

Is it hitch space hiker?

Should you pop in a dash? Hitch dash hiker?

Or is it better all in one like shampoo or lounge wear? 

Douglas Adams penned a book you see,

It’s title was fluid,

Not that it was water based which would have made a cool title,

Someone asks you what your book is called and you just throw a drink in their face,

That’s what it’s called. 

I mean the spelling was free.

You could choose how you wished to write hitchhiker with a space or a dash, 

And many people went their own way with this most flexible of words,

I mean why care when you realise how clever mice and dolphins are,

But the man himself eventually spoke out,

People were getting silly with the fluidity,

And whilst of course Adams admires silliness,

No one likes incorrect grammar,

So it is decreed that hitchhiker is one full word,

Like Madonna or Supercalafradjalisticexpealladoshus or Brexit. 

Towel Day (❤️ Douglas Adams)


That’s 25th May,

Is officially known as Towel Day,

No put those sanitary items away,

So pay attention strags and hitchikers alike,

Because strags are just people who dream of hitching a hike,

You know the things you use to mop up sweat,

Or what you’d carry a dead cat in to the vet,

Somethingwith which you can lie on the beaches of Santraginus V,

And imagine all the stars you’d see,

Sleeping under your towel on Kakrafoon,

So a towel is massively useful – more so than a spoon,

Although you may become a spoon when using the improbability drive,

Don’t we all wish that blue whale was still alive,

But spoons and whales cannot compare,

To that thing you use to dry your hair,

As Adams worshippers go if you are devout,

You will ensure you are never without,

But sometimes needs must and you need to keep it small,

And surely any towel is better than no towel at all?

Fruity Art

Is a piece of fruit a work of art?

I’m sure heavenly believers have knowledge to impart,

But I’m talking art in a gallery,

Framed and catalogued for all to see,

Two Scottish students put this to the test,

You know for fun, a bit of a jest,

King of the fruits: pineapples are clearly the best, 

They even have a crown, a sort of leaf nest,

They are a bit scaley like everyone’s favourite mermaid,

And they are the only fruit which gets laid –

On pizza to give you a Hawaiian feel,

Which as a concept is quite surreal,

The students popped their own pineapple on a plinth that was spare,

The fun students have in an art gallery eh – what a pair,

To their amusement a few days later on the their return the pineapple remained,

This time surrounded by a glass box, beayutifully framed,

Staff had mistaken it for a bonified piece of art,

It is quite funny – bet they felt smart,

And I’m sure their parents very are proud,

A contribution to art to shout aloud,

If you think about it the day they did seize,

Although I’m not sure if that merits £9,000 in university fees. 

Dress Mania

Dear the world and people who read,

I am a woman in desperate need,

I have a dress that I absolutely love,

But the price tag is way above,

What you should spend on a bit of material,

Even though this dress is practically etherial,

It’s giving me pangs and fashion woe,

Maybe I can buy it and wear it in my show,

Then I could claim it back against tax,

Like my haircuts, tampons (otherwise I’d bleed on stage) and all those immacs,

If only my social calendar was full to the brim,

Then I could just buy it on a whim,

I could just get it as a treat to myself,

And but it in a box and keep it on a shelf,

And protect all those layers and stitching,

Yes that or I’ll just dance around in it my kitchen,

Do you know an event that I could come along to?

Then I’ll have an excuse and will forever love you,

Maybe I will just do it I’ll click buy,

Oh gosh what a feeling – it’s like I am fashion high,

I’ll just check if there are any discount vouchers online,

Oh no I’ve seen another dress! Oh this is the one! Really I’m serious this time …

Nude fun

Podcasting is the BAINES of my life,

But my name (Baines) means fun not full strife,

Record in the loo whilst you are in the nude,

In between takes you can gobble some food,

If there is one night that you just can’t get off to sleep,

Make a new podcast about Green Wing actor Mark Heap,

With a podcast you really can do anything you might,

Except perhaps setting your guest alight,

Except if your guests are Lou Lou and Take That,

You wouldn’t want to get into a spat,

But they do repeatedly sing “relight my fire”,

Refusing their request may cause them great ire,

It seems with all that singing they’d really like us to grant this wish,

Although maybe they mean it metaphoricalish,

Yes I made up that word but as I’ve already said, 

When you have a podcast you can do whatever pops into your head,

And now that my foods ready and I’m in the loo,

Just for weird accostics not for a poo,

The time for Baines podcasting has began,

And you can even listen on iTunes – just search ‘Baines Plus One’.