Puns

I thought it would be rather fun,To write a poem about the humble pun,A pun is essentially a bit of wordplay,And I just want to say,That wordplay is my favourite play of all,Second only to foreplay and by a small -Margin followed by radio plays,And then plays written in the female gaze.Often called “Dad jokes” puns have been cast aside,But doesn’t Mum and Aunty want to come along for the ride?I say a pun is for everyone,And is not the sum -Of it’s comedy teller, It’s funny no matter the seller.You can pun no matter your gender or size,No matter your religion or the colour of your eyes,I’m not pregnant I’ve got a pun in the oven,And as most things are cheaper by the dozen,If I had twins I’d want one of each a pun and daughter,Ohhh I’m on a punning whirl like a lamb to the slaughter,If I was in a film with Tom Cruise it would be Top Pun,Because girls just want to have a pun,I’m running through so many puns but we are on the right track,The pun train is always ahead of the pack,Gosh this punning has been rather fun,But now stick a fork in me I’m pun.

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Breast stroke

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Pause – like on iplayer not on a cat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Soft strokes – it’s not like wiping your feet on a doormat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Don’t you hope I’m talking about swimming.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

And FYI men have breasts as well as women.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Chickens have breasts too and legs which some people prefer to eat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

“Are you a tits or a legs man?” could actually refer to meat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Don’t worry it is definitely a water based stroking.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Well, if it was self love I’d be a bit too busy to write a poem gloating.

Hangover

Wrote this one at the Edinburgh Fringe!

Why is a hangover called a hang over?

Its not like hanging your chin over a tub of clover,

I mean, what is the bit that is meant to be hanging?

When I am hungover I hate any banging,

So perhaps what is hanging is your head?

Hanging over a bucket at the side of your bed?

Or is it the shame hanging over you from the night before,

Remembering that you did karaoke and had an argument with the floor.

Maybe it’s more like a sleepover that never ends,

You have a night in with a load of friends,

And there’s always that one who stays for too long the next day,

No matter your hints they won’t go away.

So perhaps a hangover is that lingering friend,

When you’d rather be alone and try and mend –

The damage done to your brain cells the previous night,

And the obligatory post on Facebook so others understand your plight.

My favourite bit of the word is that bit at the end,

Over is so final, a way to finish with a boyfriend,

A lover would understand that over means no more,

So why isn’t your hang showing itself out of the door?

What I’m saying is, it feels like this pain will never cease,

I’m hungover, yes I’m hanging and I just need some peace!

UK General Election 

Care instructions: colour wash on 60
Now all the campaigning is done,

And our parliament is hung,

Like washing hung on a line,

It will be ready with time,

But it needed a spin cos it was dirty,

And everyone was getting a bit shirty,

It’s all that naughty running through fields,

So guess what our new parliament yields?

Not the white-wash many were expecting,

And now it needs a little correcting,

We left a red sock in and it’s all gone pink,

New labour colour Jeremy? – nudge nudge wink.

Douglas Adams Name check

Are you sure Douglas Adams is the best?

We should probably check on the rest,

As for another Douglas I can’t think of many,

If for every Douglas you gave me a penny,

There is Douglas Booth who is young and pretty,

And if I’m being rather witty,

There is Douglas the capital of the Isle of Man,

And you like the 50’s you may be a fan,

Of Kirk Douglas of acting with Doris Day,

And of course from I am Spartacus with Lawrence Olivier,

So far I am up to three pennies and I’m pretty much done,

Searching names on the internet is fun,

The origin of the name Douglas of course comes from the Scots,

They gave us Douglas and haggis – so lots,

Douglas comes from the Gaelic and means ‘dark water’ which is a bit mysterious, 

It sounds all Harry Potter when Dumbledore drank that bad stuff and was delirious, 

Of course the modern translation of ‘dark water’ is Coca Cola,

Coke: which they have from space to Española,

(And not even Diet Coke in space because you are weightless).

As for Adams it’s a bit more common,

It’s really quite British and a log way from foreign,

It’s English in origin and comes from Genesis, 

The first man who succumbed to a serpent’s kiss,

Well they consumed an apple but who isn’t guilty of that,

Their products are so snazzy not like that android tat, 

So if course there is Adam of Adam and Eve fame,

There’s Amy Adams who is on the acting game, 

Adam Rickitt my school girl crush,

He sung semi-naked in a glass box and it was lush,

There’s the Adams Family including Wednesday Adams,

Who I wanted to be like as I love gothic madams,

Apprently there is a footballer called Adam too,

And an ice-hockey player – who knew,

Don’t forget Adam Levine who rocks the guitar,

And Adam Sandler who makes us go “ha”,

Adam comes from the Hebrew and means earth,

So Douglas Adams means dark water earth,

They gave him this interstellar warning at birth,

Is it a message “beware the dark water, Earthlings”?

Maybe it’s a friendly warning from our mates the dolphins,

How apt they named an asteroid after DA when he died,

Wherever that asteroid ends up if it doesn’t get space fried,

One day we may want it back here on Earth,

Not on land although we could do without Perth,

When we borrow it back from our spacey lender,

The address: dark water, earth please return to sender.