UK General Election 

Care instructions: colour wash on 60
Now all the campaigning is done,

And our parliament is hung,

Like washing hung on a line,

It will be ready with time,

But it needed a spin cos it was dirty,

And everyone was getting a bit shirty,

It’s all that naughty running through fields,

So guess what our new parliament yields?

Not the white-wash many were expecting,

And now it needs a little correcting,

We left a red sock in and it’s all gone pink,

New labour colour Jeremy? – nudge nudge wink.

Douglas Adams Name check

Are you sure Douglas Adams is the best?

We should probably check on the rest,

As for another Douglas I can’t think of many,

If for every Douglas you gave me a penny,

There is Douglas Booth who is young and pretty,

And if I’m being rather witty,

There is Douglas the capital of the Isle of Man,

And you like the 50’s you may be a fan,

Of Kirk Douglas of acting with Doris Day,

And of course from I am Spartacus with Lawrence Olivier,

So far I am up to three pennies and I’m pretty much done,

Searching names on the internet is fun,

The origin of the name Douglas of course comes from the Scots,

They gave us Douglas and haggis – so lots,

Douglas comes from the Gaelic and means ‘dark water’ which is a bit mysterious, 

It sounds all Harry Potter when Dumbledore drank that bad stuff and was delirious, 

Of course the modern translation of ‘dark water’ is Coca Cola,

Coke: which they have from space to Española,

(And not even Diet Coke in space because you are weightless).

As for Adams it’s a bit more common,

It’s really quite British and a log way from foreign,

It’s English in origin and comes from Genesis, 

The first man who succumbed to a serpent’s kiss,

Well they consumed an apple but who isn’t guilty of that,

Their products are so snazzy not like that android tat, 

So if course there is Adam of Adam and Eve fame,

There’s Amy Adams who is on the acting game, 

Adam Rickitt my school girl crush,

He sung semi-naked in a glass box and it was lush,

There’s the Adams Family including Wednesday Adams,

Who I wanted to be like as I love gothic madams,

Apprently there is a footballer called Adam too,

And an ice-hockey player – who knew,

Don’t forget Adam Levine who rocks the guitar,

And Adam Sandler who makes us go “ha”,

Adam comes from the Hebrew and means earth,

So Douglas Adams means dark water earth,

They gave him this interstellar warning at birth,

Is it a message “beware the dark water, Earthlings”?

Maybe it’s a friendly warning from our mates the dolphins,

How apt they named an asteroid after DA when he died,

Wherever that asteroid ends up if it doesn’t get space fried,

One day we may want it back here on Earth,

Not on land although we could do without Perth,

When we borrow it back from our spacey lender,

The address: dark water, earth please return to sender.

Fat rolls 

I’m not talking bacon butties I mean the bits around your middle,

That make us uncomfortable in certain tops so we fiddle,

Pulling our T-shirts this way and that,

So it’s more flattering and we don’t feel fat,

But who really cares – why do we do it?

Most of us wish we were healthier and fit,

Everyone hides bits they’d rather weren’t there,

Would it be the worst if people were to stare,

Maybe they love our knees, or our shoulders or our middle,

It’s not like you can buy a new one at Lidyl,

Maybe what we’ve got is cool and different and us,

Unless you have a blister that’s infected and bursting with pus,

That sh*t needs to be seen to and it don’t let it define you,

And it’s probably what’s giving you that infected green hue,

Anyway – maybe I should love my face and all of my chins,

Maybe I shouldn’t be worried about my weird shins, 

And my actually fat rolls are insulating and handy,

When I’m hiding pens or tampons or candy.

Honeymoon, bottoms and bugs

Honey, moon sounds like an instruction,

For baring your bottom by way of introduction,

It’s not exactly a great first impression,

So I do … have a confession,

It’s not quite what I did on my honeymoon,

For nudist discussions it’s just too soon,

But we did go to Thailand and lie down a lot,

And I was in a bikini so my bottom was not –

Fully covered at all times,

Who knew I’d wrote a poem about my bottom that rhymes,

Anyway we had an absolutely wonderful trip,

There were lots of alcoholic cocktails to sip,

Sunsets and beaches and dips in the sea,

Sunburn and markets and currys a plenty,

We watched Thai kick boxing which seems a little rough,

They look so young and my gosh they are tough,

Then we saw a rather dangerous fire show,

No one minds if they drop it they just go with the flow,

It’s actually some of the bar staff that performs,

In Thailand there are no health and safety forms,

That same night the biggest bug you’ve ever seen,

Landed in my cocktail and was rather keen,

To finish it off – my mai tai was no more,

That bug will be pissed, rolling around on the floor,

It’s also owes me £2.50 which is 100 baht,

But I didn’t get to tell it before we had to depart,

So all in all a successful holiday,

And now I’m suing a bug to make him pay.

Toblerone madness (WHY?!)

I’ve been off the radio for two weeks,

And what do I hear from top chocolate geeks?

That chocolate companies are reducing their bar and bag sizes,

Due to Brexit and the ingredients price rises,

What awful news especially at the time,

When chocolate guzzling is at its prime,

How will I put on all my Christmas weight,

What will propel the January self-hate,

Maltesers are now lighter and they are already filled with air,

Or is that just their marketing flair?

I have never been able to blow one in the air like they do in the ad,

But maybe it’s just my lung capacity that’s bad,

But worse of all is what’s happened to the Toblerone,

As opinions on social media have shown,

Instead of making the bar smaller in length,

They’ve spaced out the triangles and it’s not to its strength,

Don’t we all know that it’s not length it’s girth,

That brings the most pleasure and sugar fuelled mirth,

Those delicious pyramids are too far apart,

It’s about satisfaction not modernist art,

Maybe they wanted to be true to life and did not intent to hurt, 

Afterall pyramids are of course surrounded by desert.