Guest poem: Mnemonic for the Wives of Immortal-Henry VIII

By John-Luke Roberts 

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Died, Died, Died,

Divorced, Two-headed, Drowned,

Defenestrated, Combusted, Dissolved,

Divorced, Ignored, Lost,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died, 

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died, 

Divorced, Divorced, Sad,

Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor,

Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced,

Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor,

Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, 

Divorced, Divorced, Separated,

Separated, Divorced, A Man (!),

Industrial Accident, Motoring Accident, Flu,

Food Poisoning, Twisted Ankle, Mauled to Death by Reanimated Dinosaur,

Swallowed by Quicksand, Ebola, Shot,

Chopped into Little Tiny Pieces, Eaten by Her Cat, Run Over by a Lorry,

Abandoned on the Moon, Gifted to Alien Race, Ripped Apart by Black Hole,

Divorced, Divorced, Divorced,

Divorced, A Robot, Divorced,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Dyed (to Death), Died,

Died, Died, Died, 

Clone Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, Clone Elizabeth Taylor,

Divorced, Clone Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced,

Died, Died, Died,

Clone Henry VIII.
Check John-Luke Roberts out on tumblr here!

Fruity Art

Is a piece of fruit a work of art?

I’m sure heavenly believers have knowledge to impart,

But I’m talking art in a gallery,

Framed and catalogued for all to see,

Two Scottish students put this to the test,

You know for fun, a bit of a jest,

King of the fruits: pineapples are clearly the best, 

They even have a crown, a sort of leaf nest,

They are a bit scaley like everyone’s favourite mermaid,

And they are the only fruit which gets laid –

On pizza to give you a Hawaiian feel,

Which as a concept is quite surreal,

The students popped their own pineapple on a plinth that was spare,

The fun students have in an art gallery eh – what a pair,

To their amusement a few days later on the their return the pineapple remained,

This time surrounded by a glass box, beayutifully framed,

Staff had mistaken it for a bonified piece of art,

It is quite funny – bet they felt smart,

And I’m sure their parents very are proud,

A contribution to art to shout aloud,

If you think about it the day they did seize,

Although I’m not sure if that merits £9,000 in university fees. 

Dress Mania

Dear the world and people who read,

I am a woman in desperate need,

I have a dress that I absolutely love,

But the price tag is way above,

What you should spend on a bit of material,

Even though this dress is practically etherial,

It’s giving me pangs and fashion woe,

Maybe I can buy it and wear it in my show,

Then I could claim it back against tax,

Like my haircuts, tampons (otherwise I’d bleed on stage) and all those immacs,

If only my social calendar was full to the brim,

Then I could just buy it on a whim,

I could just get it as a treat to myself,

And but it in a box and keep it on a shelf,

And protect all those layers and stitching,

Yes that or I’ll just dance around in it my kitchen,

Do you know an event that I could come along to?

Then I’ll have an excuse and will forever love you,

Maybe I will just do it I’ll click buy,

Oh gosh what a feeling – it’s like I am fashion high,

I’ll just check if there are any discount vouchers online,

Oh no I’ve seen another dress! Oh this is the one! Really I’m serious this time …

Love day fun!

Flowers in every hand,

Loving words sung by a cheesy band, 

Cards with jokes and pictures of bears,

Married people walking around unawares,

Oh god it’s love day dash to the shop,

Try and book a restaurant on the hop,

People complaining single and otherwise,

That’s it’s all garish and bad for the eyes,

That we shouldn’t celebrate as it’s a made up holiday,

Why is love measured by how much we pay,

But maybe it’s nice to have an excuse,

Maybe it’s more than a love noose,

A day of love, is it a bad thing?

Confess your love to a partner or friend or anything, 

It doesn’t have to be romantic it just needs to be fun,

We can all enjoy it whether your married or a nun. 

Public Peeing in Hackney 

We’ve all had a wee in Hackney right?!

But if you pee publicly you’ll get a fright,

Something scarier than Halloween,

Worse than those creepy clowns we’ve seen,

You’ll be fined eighty whole pounds,

That’s two tubs of marmite or three pub rounds, 

Yes peeing in the street comes at a cost,

All we want to see of a morning is frost,

Not urine stained pavements and alleys and doors,

No drunk ladies squatting on floors,

Apparently we women are the worst you see,

But to be honest it doesnt surprise me,

Men have temporary urinals in the street,

We have nowhere to plant our seat,

You know the pain of a full bladder,

It’s a risky business – like walking under a ladder,

The mark of a great night out and a long journey home,

There just aren’t many available toilets on a late night roam,

In Hackney they trialled splash back paint,

But it’s only the men that it will taint,

We pee on floors not up against walls,

Just pop in a few portable slash stalls,

Hackney Council have spend one hundred thousand cleaning up pee,

Imagine all the cold genitals they see,

Dealing out fines like they are going out of fashion,

Punishing those who shake the lettuce in public is a real passion,

What is the answer? How can we bring this streeside tinkling to an end?

Well just pee in a cup and then give it to a friend. 

Trump is a pussy

Ignoring sexual assault just isn’t okay,

Pretending it’s banter won’t keep it at bay,

Also locker room chat can’t happen on a bus,

You cant even play sport so stop making a fuss,

You were at work AND you got your collleague fired,

Because you walking jizz sock -the public are tired,

I mean he is to blame as much as you,

Laughing along is what idiots do,

Standing up and saying that was wrong is brave,

Both of you should be utterly horrified of how you behaved,

What is brave is the women who have to face each new day,

After an assault threatens to take their life away, 

Only to hear a would be president talk about it in jest,

Trump opens his mouth and we await what comes next,

A tic tag won’t cover up the wrong that you’ve said,

It won’t put right what’s wrong with your head,

Women are people not just wives and child-bearers,

All those politicans talk about their sisters as pussy wearers,

He can’t be president seriously though he can’t,

Unless… he has a brain transplant.

Pork Pie Madness

A man bought a juicy porkpie,

But his eating experience went awry,

You see he wanted to bring it to Spain,

Something he’s done time and again,

But this meaty pastry was a bit to juicy,

So it counted as a liquid – loosely,

He was stopped at airport security,

To ascertain the pies purity,

They couldn’t extract the juice,

So they let the pie on the loose, 

And Norman was able to fly,

As he waved Manchester goodbye,

Like the Terminator he knew he’d be back,

If only for another delicious porky snack!