A Comedy bake

I love the Great British Bake off,

It’s like comedy and baking have had a cake off,

The puns are delicious,

The goods are rarely nutritious,

And while Hollywood isn’t as glittery as he sounds,

His dramatic pauses in between nouns –

Are spectacularly glamorous,

And while I’m not polyamorous,

I am in a relationship with both comedy and baking,

But rather than comedy it’s baking that has me quaking,

I can’t even manage a good stew,

And I did a comedy gig for some bakers who –

Really can be absolute devils,

Because instead of shouting out they just threw Eccles.

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My new poetry book at Waterstones

My comedy poetry book has now been published!

POENTRY: silly po-faced entries by Samantha Baines

Award-winning comedian and actress Samantha Baines likes poetry and thinks it shouldn’t just be for po-faced people. Enjoy this silly collection of poems about life, amazing women and the very strangest news stories from the last few years (with any face you so wish). Revel in the comedy lines, the rhymes and the ‘really did that rhyme’ times from one of comedy’s brightest stars.

Buy it here:

https://www.waterstones.com/book/poentry/samantha-baines/9781911589198

Or on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Poentry-Samantha-Baines/dp/1911589199

Do leave it an online review if you like it! ❤️😀❤️😀

Breast stroke

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Pause – like on iplayer not on a cat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Soft strokes – it’s not like wiping your feet on a doormat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Don’t you hope I’m talking about swimming.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

And FYI men have breasts as well as women.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Chickens have breasts too and legs which some people prefer to eat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

“Are you a tits or a legs man?” could actually refer to meat.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Don’t worry it is definitely a water based stroking.

Breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke, breast stroke,

Well, if it was self love I’d be a bit too busy to write a poem gloating.

Hangover

Wrote this one at the Edinburgh Fringe!

Why is a hangover called a hang over?

Its not like hanging your chin over a tub of clover,

I mean, what is the bit that is meant to be hanging?

When I am hungover I hate any banging,

So perhaps what is hanging is your head?

Hanging over a bucket at the side of your bed?

Or is it the shame hanging over you from the night before,

Remembering that you did karaoke and had an argument with the floor.

Maybe it’s more like a sleepover that never ends,

You have a night in with a load of friends,

And there’s always that one who stays for too long the next day,

No matter your hints they won’t go away.

So perhaps a hangover is that lingering friend,

When you’d rather be alone and try and mend –

The damage done to your brain cells the previous night,

And the obligatory post on Facebook so others understand your plight.

My favourite bit of the word is that bit at the end,

Over is so final, a way to finish with a boyfriend,

A lover would understand that over means no more,

So why isn’t your hang showing itself out of the door?

What I’m saying is, it feels like this pain will never cease,

I’m hungover, yes I’m hanging and I just need some peace!

Fluid title

Do you know how to write hitchhiker?

Is it hitch space hiker?

Should you pop in a dash? Hitch dash hiker?

Or is it better all in one like shampoo or lounge wear? 

Douglas Adams penned a book you see,

It’s title was fluid,

Not that it was water based which would have made a cool title,

Someone asks you what your book is called and you just throw a drink in their face,

That’s what it’s called. 

I mean the spelling was free.

You could choose how you wished to write hitchhiker with a space or a dash, 

And many people went their own way with this most flexible of words,

I mean why care when you realise how clever mice and dolphins are,

But the man himself eventually spoke out,

People were getting silly with the fluidity,

And whilst of course Adams admires silliness,

No one likes incorrect grammar,

So it is decreed that hitchhiker is one full word,

Like Madonna or Supercalafradjalisticexpealladoshus or Brexit. 

Fruity Art

Is a piece of fruit a work of art?

I’m sure heavenly believers have knowledge to impart,

But I’m talking art in a gallery,

Framed and catalogued for all to see,

Two Scottish students put this to the test,

You know for fun, a bit of a jest,

King of the fruits: pineapples are clearly the best, 

They even have a crown, a sort of leaf nest,

They are a bit scaley like everyone’s favourite mermaid,

And they are the only fruit which gets laid –

On pizza to give you a Hawaiian feel,

Which as a concept is quite surreal,

The students popped their own pineapple on a plinth that was spare,

The fun students have in an art gallery eh – what a pair,

To their amusement a few days later on the their return the pineapple remained,

This time surrounded by a glass box, beayutifully framed,

Staff had mistaken it for a bonified piece of art,

It is quite funny – bet they felt smart,

And I’m sure their parents very are proud,

A contribution to art to shout aloud,

If you think about it the day they did seize,

Although I’m not sure if that merits £9,000 in university fees.