Fluid title

Do you know how to write hitchhiker?

Is it hitch space hiker?

Should you pop in a dash? Hitch dash hiker?

Or is it better all in one like shampoo or lounge wear? 

Douglas Adams penned a book you see,

It’s title was fluid,

Not that it was water based which would have made a cool title,

Someone asks you what your book is called and you just throw a drink in their face,

That’s what it’s called. 

I mean the spelling was free.

You could choose how you wished to write hitchhiker with a space or a dash, 

And many people went their own way with this most flexible of words,

I mean why care when you realise how clever mice and dolphins are,

But the man himself eventually spoke out,

People were getting silly with the fluidity,

And whilst of course Adams admires silliness,

No one likes incorrect grammar,

So it is decreed that hitchhiker is one full word,

Like Madonna or Supercalafradjalisticexpealladoshus or Brexit. 

Fruity Art

Is a piece of fruit a work of art?

I’m sure heavenly believers have knowledge to impart,

But I’m talking art in a gallery,

Framed and catalogued for all to see,

Two Scottish students put this to the test,

You know for fun, a bit of a jest,

King of the fruits: pineapples are clearly the best, 

They even have a crown, a sort of leaf nest,

They are a bit scaley like everyone’s favourite mermaid,

And they are the only fruit which gets laid –

On pizza to give you a Hawaiian feel,

Which as a concept is quite surreal,

The students popped their own pineapple on a plinth that was spare,

The fun students have in an art gallery eh – what a pair,

To their amusement a few days later on the their return the pineapple remained,

This time surrounded by a glass box, beayutifully framed,

Staff had mistaken it for a bonified piece of art,

It is quite funny – bet they felt smart,

And I’m sure their parents very are proud,

A contribution to art to shout aloud,

If you think about it the day they did seize,

Although I’m not sure if that merits £9,000 in university fees. 

When your dad writes a porno

Imagine if your dad wrote blinking erotica,

Well it’s better than discovering a family swastika,

So many questions we’d love to ask,

Like is a cervix within your grasp?

Belinda Blinked is the sexy title,

Which keeps Jamie Morton’s dad from being idle,

Jamie deconstructs each chapter with the help of his mates,

James and Alice ease him through Belinda’s front gates,

With similes comparing breasts to pomegranates,

We do wonder about Jamie’s dads food vs literary palates,

In the last series blue jizz was a feature,

Like smurf sex or juice from an avatar-like creature,

Set to the back drop of Steele’s pots and pans,

Which makes you wonder about chef Jamie Oliver’s expansion pans,

Correcting school dinners was very worthwhile,

So Jamie Oliver, how about Belinda themed treats to add to the culinary shagpile,

In Belinda’s world there is one thing that’s a must,

That is donating to the Asses and Donkey’s Trust,

And when it comes to selling pots and pans there is nothing wrong,

With wandering around a maze in a stained black thong,

Belinda has friends too Bella and Gizelle,

And The Duchess on whose face she fell,

It’s not for the faint hearted here’s a word to the wise,

There is dribbling and gushing and many a literary surprise,

But Rocky Flinstone (Jamie Morton’s Dad) has penned a real gem,

And it’s not a book we would completely condem,

It’s given us the podcast and conjured so many new visions,

Like Jim Sturgess and a room with leathery conditions,

But has Rocky’s son whilst masturbating ever thought, 

Of dipping into his Dad’s book – no too scared to get caught,

A smash hit podcast and a sell out tour,

All down to Belinda rolling around naked on the floor,

She bonks and she blinks and that’s about it,

And we’ve all been wondering – since when does a pomegranate look like a tit?!

My Dad Wrote A Porno is a podcast created by Jamie Morton. Listen via iTunes or acast here.

New York New York

I went to see New York to see a hottie,

But going there made me a bit snotty,

I did go for fun,

Not just for the sun,

There was still snow and it was icy cold,

But as soon as I saw Times Square I was sold,

What a dazzling place,

Bright lights in your face,

And pick pockets galore,

Gentlemen hold on to your wallet not a door,

The comedy was great,

The locals were irate,

But we had to learn how to tip,

And jet lag meant we had to kip,

I even got a tattoo,

After signing a waver that I wouldn’t sue,

I got a little heart done on my ribs,

No im not telling fibs,

As for pain it was actually fine,

But who is this hottie of mine,

It’s a lady I’ve always wanted to meet,

She stands at 3,700 feet,

Yes for me she’s a little tall,

It’s a long way to fall,

But she’s as steady as a rock,

It would take a lot to rock,

The rather snazzy Statue of Liberty,

She stands for the free,

I love her sense of style too,

All matching in greeny blue,

Piercing the sky,

Her torch held on high,

She been holding that pose for years,

She’s a proper Yogi – I’d be in tears,

When it comes to stretching she’s the King,

That commitment – 188 years working in a bingo wing.

Pyjamas drama in Tesco

Two women wore their pyjamas to a Tesco,

It’s not like they were going al fresco,

It’s indoors and they just popped in for a snack,

They were fully covered front and back,

And a fella got rather annoyed,

And heading to social media where he employed –

His ranting skills to call them disgusting,

A post which has started combusting,

Well, ‘going viral’ is what I think we call it,

But bursting into flame seems a better fit,

He even took a photo of the unsuspecting women,

When they were just relaxing, shopping and chilling,

Is it so wrong to sneak out in your jammies?

What if they were a couple of grannys?

Should we rid them of their right to be comfy whilst they shop,

Why be so bothered by a choice of pants and top,

It’s not quite shopping in a negligee,

That would turn a few heads your way,

But each to their own just wear what you like, 

Pyjamas, or shorts or a tracksuit by Nike,

It’s not exactly a trip to the opera or a fancy night out,

Anyway everything looks great with a pout!

Oh Christmas Tree


Dear Christmas tree,
Christmas tree oh Christmas tree,

Why can’t I dangle my baubles on thee,

My kittens are obsessed with your danglies,

Even the posh ones I bought from Hamleys (baubles not kittens),

This year you are fake so they won’t chew you,

You are wire-made, in three parts and new,

It’s quite useful that your arms are bendy,

So I can pose your branches to make you look trendy,

Afterall it’s the instagram filled time of year, 

With vignettes and filters and emoticons for good cheer.

No vegan money here


So if you are vegan you can’t eat meat,

You can’t even have cheese and biscuits as a treat,

But now you also can’t spend any cash,

You’ll have to bring your credit card to the next Christmas bash,

You see our new £5 notes contain tallow which is animal fat,

I know right, fancy that!

No matter your preference you shouldn’t be eating money,

Not only would it give you a dodgey tummy,

It’d be one expensive meal,

A bowl full of fivers is no Boots meal deal,

But vegans are against using animals and their produce full stop,

You can even buy vegan shoes at the shop,

The Bank of England are taking the fatty discovery seriously,

It might have entered the ingredients mysteriously,

Apparently issue has only just come to light,

But surely you’d check the ingredients list was alright,

Before you print loadsa money like thousands and billions,

And then piss people off in their millions,

Tallow is essentially grease,

So just remove it to keep the peace,

We don’t want your greasy animal fat notes,

I want one that’s lactose free and rolled in oats.