UK General Election 

Care instructions: colour wash on 60
Now all the campaigning is done,

And our parliament is hung,

Like washing hung on a line,

It will be ready with time,

But it needed a spin cos it was dirty,

And everyone was getting a bit shirty,

It’s all that naughty running through fields,

So guess what our new parliament yields?

Not the white-wash many were expecting,

And now it needs a little correcting,

We left a red sock in and it’s all gone pink,

New labour colour Jeremy? – nudge nudge wink.


Guest poem: Mnemonic for the Wives of Immortal-Henry VIII

By John-Luke Roberts 

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Divorced, Beheaded, Died,

Died, Died, Died,

Divorced, Two-headed, Drowned,

Defenestrated, Combusted, Dissolved,

Divorced, Ignored, Lost,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died, 

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died, 

Divorced, Divorced, Sad,

Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor,

Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced,

Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor,

Divorced, Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, 

Divorced, Divorced, Separated,

Separated, Divorced, A Man (!),

Industrial Accident, Motoring Accident, Flu,

Food Poisoning, Twisted Ankle, Mauled to Death by Reanimated Dinosaur,

Swallowed by Quicksand, Ebola, Shot,

Chopped into Little Tiny Pieces, Eaten by Her Cat, Run Over by a Lorry,

Abandoned on the Moon, Gifted to Alien Race, Ripped Apart by Black Hole,

Divorced, Divorced, Divorced,

Divorced, A Robot, Divorced,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Died, Died,

Died, Dyed (to Death), Died,

Died, Died, Died, 

Clone Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced, Clone Elizabeth Taylor,

Divorced, Clone Elizabeth Taylor, Divorced,

Died, Died, Died,

Clone Henry VIII.
Check John-Luke Roberts out on tumblr here!

Fruity Art

Is a piece of fruit a work of art?

I’m sure heavenly believers have knowledge to impart,

But I’m talking art in a gallery,

Framed and catalogued for all to see,

Two Scottish students put this to the test,

You know for fun, a bit of a jest,

King of the fruits: pineapples are clearly the best, 

They even have a crown, a sort of leaf nest,

They are a bit scaley like everyone’s favourite mermaid,

And they are the only fruit which gets laid –

On pizza to give you a Hawaiian feel,

Which as a concept is quite surreal,

The students popped their own pineapple on a plinth that was spare,

The fun students have in an art gallery eh – what a pair,

To their amusement a few days later on the their return the pineapple remained,

This time surrounded by a glass box, beayutifully framed,

Staff had mistaken it for a bonified piece of art,

It is quite funny – bet they felt smart,

And I’m sure their parents very are proud,

A contribution to art to shout aloud,

If you think about it the day they did seize,

Although I’m not sure if that merits £9,000 in university fees. 

Dress Mania

Dear the world and people who read,

I am a woman in desperate need,

I have a dress that I absolutely love,

But the price tag is way above,

What you should spend on a bit of material,

Even though this dress is practically etherial,

It’s giving me pangs and fashion woe,

Maybe I can buy it and wear it in my show,

Then I could claim it back against tax,

Like my haircuts, tampons (otherwise I’d bleed on stage) and all those immacs,

If only my social calendar was full to the brim,

Then I could just buy it on a whim,

I could just get it as a treat to myself,

And but it in a box and keep it on a shelf,

And protect all those layers and stitching,

Yes that or I’ll just dance around in it my kitchen,

Do you know an event that I could come along to?

Then I’ll have an excuse and will forever love you,

Maybe I will just do it I’ll click buy,

Oh gosh what a feeling – it’s like I am fashion high,

I’ll just check if there are any discount vouchers online,

Oh no I’ve seen another dress! Oh this is the one! Really I’m serious this time …

No vegan money here

So if you are vegan you can’t eat meat,

You can’t even have cheese and biscuits as a treat,

But now you also can’t spend any cash,

You’ll have to bring your credit card to the next Christmas bash,

You see our new £5 notes contain tallow which is animal fat,

I know right, fancy that!

No matter your preference you shouldn’t be eating money,

Not only would it give you a dodgey tummy,

It’d be one expensive meal,

A bowl full of fivers is no Boots meal deal,

But vegans are against using animals and their produce full stop,

You can even buy vegan shoes at the shop,

The Bank of England are taking the fatty discovery seriously,

It might have entered the ingredients mysteriously,

Apparently issue has only just come to light,

But surely you’d check the ingredients list was alright,

Before you print loadsa money like thousands and billions,

And then piss people off in their millions,

Tallow is essentially grease,

So just remove it to keep the peace,

We don’t want your greasy animal fat notes,

I want one that’s lactose free and rolled in oats. 

Tea-total : Yorkshire Tea wins twitter 

A man was being an arse on twitter to Yorkshire Tea,
They told him it was grown underground in Dewsbury,

He seem to be troubled about the origin of the leaves,

Imagining Yorkshire Tea to be thieves,

Of the good name of Yorkshire and the north,

So YT eloquently told him to piss orf,

And reminded this angry young chap,

That whilst in England we drink tea on tap,

We don’t grow it here because of the weather,

Tea leaves don’t pop up in patches of heather,

And whilst it’s grown elsewhere,

Saying it’s of Yorkshire is still fair,

As that’s where they honed the blend,

And make the packaging so they would not bend,

On the fact it’s propa Northern stock,

He was stuck between a hard place and a rock,

So they offered to send him a cuppa,

And his trolling they did scupper,

He even said sorry at the end,

That’s good social media my friend,

I bet he normally shoves silly milky tea in his mouth,

And he’s probably from the South!