My new poetry book at Waterstones

My comedy poetry book has now been published!

POENTRY: silly po-faced entries by Samantha Baines

Award-winning comedian and actress Samantha Baines likes poetry and thinks it shouldn’t just be for po-faced people. Enjoy this silly collection of poems about life, amazing women and the very strangest news stories from the last few years (with any face you so wish). Revel in the comedy lines, the rhymes and the ‘really did that rhyme’ times from one of comedy’s brightest stars.

Buy it here:

https://www.waterstones.com/book/poentry/samantha-baines/9781911589198

Or on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Poentry-Samantha-Baines/dp/1911589199

Do leave it an online review if you like it! ❤️😀❤️😀

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Puns

I thought it would be rather fun,To write a poem about the humble pun,A pun is essentially a bit of wordplay,And I just want to say,That wordplay is my favourite play of all,Second only to foreplay and by a small -Margin followed by radio plays,And then plays written in the female gaze.Often called “Dad jokes” puns have been cast aside,But doesn’t Mum and Aunty want to come along for the ride?I say a pun is for everyone,And is not the sum -Of it’s comedy teller, It’s funny no matter the seller.You can pun no matter your gender or size,No matter your religion or the colour of your eyes,I’m not pregnant I’ve got a pun in the oven,And as most things are cheaper by the dozen,If I had twins I’d want one of each a pun and daughter,Ohhh I’m on a punning whirl like a lamb to the slaughter,If I was in a film with Tom Cruise it would be Top Pun,Because girls just want to have a pun,I’m running through so many puns but we are on the right track,The pun train is always ahead of the pack,Gosh this punning has been rather fun,But now stick a fork in me I’m pun.

Hangover

Wrote this one at the Edinburgh Fringe!

Why is a hangover called a hang over?

Its not like hanging your chin over a tub of clover,

I mean, what is the bit that is meant to be hanging?

When I am hungover I hate any banging,

So perhaps what is hanging is your head?

Hanging over a bucket at the side of your bed?

Or is it the shame hanging over you from the night before,

Remembering that you did karaoke and had an argument with the floor.

Maybe it’s more like a sleepover that never ends,

You have a night in with a load of friends,

And there’s always that one who stays for too long the next day,

No matter your hints they won’t go away.

So perhaps a hangover is that lingering friend,

When you’d rather be alone and try and mend –

The damage done to your brain cells the previous night,

And the obligatory post on Facebook so others understand your plight.

My favourite bit of the word is that bit at the end,

Over is so final, a way to finish with a boyfriend,

A lover would understand that over means no more,

So why isn’t your hang showing itself out of the door?

What I’m saying is, it feels like this pain will never cease,

I’m hungover, yes I’m hanging and I just need some peace!

Nude fun

Podcasting is the BAINES of my life,

But my name (Baines) means fun not full strife,

Record in the loo whilst you are in the nude,

In between takes you can gobble some food,

If there is one night that you just can’t get off to sleep,

Make a new podcast about Green Wing actor Mark Heap,

With a podcast you really can do anything you might,

Except perhaps setting your guest alight,

Except if your guests are Lou Lou and Take That,

You wouldn’t want to get into a spat,

But they do repeatedly sing “relight my fire”,

Refusing their request may cause them great ire,

It seems with all that singing they’d really like us to grant this wish,

Although maybe they mean it metaphoricalish,

Yes I made up that word but as I’ve already said, 

When you have a podcast you can do whatever pops into your head,

And now that my foods ready and I’m in the loo,

Just for weird accostics not for a poo,

The time for Baines podcasting has began,

And you can even listen on iTunes – just search ‘Baines Plus One’.

New York New York

I went to see New York to see a hottie,

But going there made me a bit snotty,

I did go for fun,

Not just for the sun,

There was still snow and it was icy cold,

But as soon as I saw Times Square I was sold,

What a dazzling place,

Bright lights in your face,

And pick pockets galore,

Gentlemen hold on to your wallet not a door,

The comedy was great,

The locals were irate,

But we had to learn how to tip,

And jet lag meant we had to kip,

I even got a tattoo,

After signing a waver that I wouldn’t sue,

I got a little heart done on my ribs,

No im not telling fibs,

As for pain it was actually fine,

But who is this hottie of mine,

It’s a lady I’ve always wanted to meet,

She stands at 3,700 feet,

Yes for me she’s a little tall,

It’s a long way to fall,

But she’s as steady as a rock,

It would take a lot to rock,

The rather snazzy Statue of Liberty,

She stands for the free,

I love her sense of style too,

All matching in greeny blue,

Piercing the sky,

Her torch held on high,

She been holding that pose for years,

She’s a proper Yogi – I’d be in tears,

When it comes to stretching she’s the King,

That commitment – 188 years working in a bingo wing.

Fat rolls 

I’m not talking bacon butties I mean the bits around your middle,

That make us uncomfortable in certain tops so we fiddle,

Pulling our T-shirts this way and that,

So it’s more flattering and we don’t feel fat,

But who really cares – why do we do it?

Most of us wish we were healthier and fit,

Everyone hides bits they’d rather weren’t there,

Would it be the worst if people were to stare,

Maybe they love our knees, or our shoulders or our middle,

It’s not like you can buy a new one at Lidyl,

Maybe what we’ve got is cool and different and us,

Unless you have a blister that’s infected and bursting with pus,

That sh*t needs to be seen to and it don’t let it define you,

And it’s probably what’s giving you that infected green hue,

Anyway – maybe I should love my face and all of my chins,

Maybe I shouldn’t be worried about my weird shins, 

And my actually fat rolls are insulating and handy,

When I’m hiding pens or tampons or candy.