By Bob Lee [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Superhero alias: SuperCox!
Hero of the Physics world.
SuperCox has just returned from battling some ignorant people on Radio 4
And is about to sit down for a hobnob and a spot of Loose Women when…
His Supernova countdown clock bleeps!
He checks the time,
Phew! he thinks, its a good thing stars take billions of years to explode and die (depending on their mass),
5 billion years to go, we’ve got a bit of a wait yet!
With that he sinks into his favourite climate-change-themed bean bag (there are polar bears and ice caps on it),
And laughs at something Coleen Nolan says on the tele.
As SuperCox finishes his hobnob and drains the last bit of earl grey,
He feels a sharp pain in his chest,
He sighs as he removes his “trust me I’m a Physics Teacher” badge,
It always comes in handy at those Radio 4 panel discussions,
It’s getting a bit worn around the edges so he takes a fresh one from the drawer by his bed and pops it in his pocket for later.
As the Loose Women credits roll he checks twitter,
Some lovely comments about this mornings panel discussion,
A few questions about the big bang (as usual),
And then one badly written cock joke,
For all his scientific prowess, general intelligence and excellent hair,
There is still one thing that he will never overcome,
His name: Cox
Why are the British public so obsessed with genitalia?
His self-indulgent name pitying is interrupted by an email notification on his phone,
He’s been invited to teach a reality TV star about the solar system,
He thinks of who it might be,
Some vacuous, orange humanoid with an overbearing accent,
The email is signed “Channel 5” so he knows it’s not urgent,
His brain (as it does) translates his problem into an equation,
When C5 = Channel 5 and RTS = reality TV star what does
C5 + RTS equal?
Answer: C5 + RTS = no more BBC
A fate worse than death.
Brian puts on his new “trust me I’m a Physics teacher” badge
And he is SuperCox once more!
With superhero flair he deletes the email and grabs his man-bag ready to face his agent,
So many thoughts are developing in his mind,
Could the BBC really survive without me?
Who gave Channel 5 my email address?
Which one of my podcasts shall I listen to on the bus?
He checks his hair in the mirror on the way out,
On second thought he grabs his brolly and leaves,
No-one would trust a Physicist with frizzy hair.
Samantha Baines is an award-winning actress and comedian. She has problems with
dairy. This poem is also available to read and comment on via Huffington Post Comedy
Follow her (on twitter not home) @samanthabaines
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Browse her? http://www.samanthabaines.com